Seriously. I can honestly say that I’ve played with my fair share of Power Ranger toys (did i hear a power rangers cassette tape player?), slept underneath a Ninja Turtles blanket, and made a Guyver action figure into Rambo Guyver complete with his own pancho and knife, but, as I trekked through Target today looking for gifts for my nieces, I saw some completely retarded toys amongst the Xmas debris.

First, let me make a note. I use the term “retarded” rather loosely, but I don’t mean to offend anyone with any mental challenges. I think Nick Swardson said it best -

woman- “if you have to say that word- just say things are mentally challenged instead.”

Nick “I’m like yea ok, thats retarded.”

I use the term retarded so vehement in this article because all of the toys featured in this article seem just that- retarded. These toys are so blindingly idiotic that someone in that research team had to have an IQ of 75, owned a shrimp boat with his ex-commanding officer from the Vietnam War, and mooned a president on national TV (you heard me). Seriously, some simple-Jack on those design teams went full retard during the making of these toys, and will most certainly walk away empty-handed after this christmas.

My first target: Operation Hulk

Hulk Sue for Malpractice! (via shop.marvel.com/)

Really Hasbro? Really? I seriously have no idea how they conceived this board game. From the inconsistencies in Hulk history and powers to the idea of the green machine being operated on my both Spiderman and Iron Man v1.0, I find myself offended by the existence of this game. I’m so offended by this board game that I’ve created a top 3 list of the things that annoy me-

3. “Remove the Toxic Green Gas from the Hulk”

Come on- really? I mean seriously… freakin’ really? Wouldn’t a monster fart from the Hulk’s 4 foot taint blow people away? (cut to a video of a hurricane destroying a house of cards.) Yeah, it’d look more like that.

2. “Iron Man and Spiderman are on the scene to save the day!”

Why the hell are Spiderman and Iron Man working on him? Is Peter Parker’s third persona an emergency room surgeon? Did Iron Man use his master control of electronics to read the Physician’s Desk Reference for Dummies? If anything, it would be Reed Richards with Susan Storm as his nurse and Ben Grimm and the She-Hulk holding the hulk down. Throw in Sentry to hold it down while Ben and She-Hulk are watching Johnny Storm hit on Mary Jane Watson while Peter Parker is on the job.

1. The point of this board game is to remove all of the parts lest you make him angry and Hulk Smash!

The Hulk has a ridiculously fast healing factor- which is increased by his anger. Thus, if he were angry on the operating table he would probably just heal faster. It would actually make sense to make him more angry, in the unlikely situation that he needed an operation, and thus would heal him faster. They should just make the game

“Piss off Hulk as Fast as You Can so Hulk Doesn’t Die from colon and penis cancer at the same time”

I don’t know about you guys, but I’d buy that board game for my kids.

Ok kiddies, I hope you enjoyed my rant about a completely mind-boggling attempt from Hasbro and Milton Bradley to rape and destroy a classic board game. Stick around and catch my next review of an Epic Fail from a toy company. ‘Til then, happy early birthday Jeebus, and Epic Fail Hasbro, GG.

[YOUTUBE SOURCE]

Tags: board game