In my quest to find the perfect man, I decided that the best route to take was to troll the areas where he may be lurking. He won’t be buying me drinks at the bar. He won’t be reading a book at a local coffee shop. He won’t be playing basketball at the gym.
He will be on the Internets. Stealing my heart.
Therefore, I decided to publish an ad on Craigslist – because reaching the target audience is the first step towards love. And also because I’m moderately shameless. Kind of.
An important note: The geeks I manage to find (i.e. in the computer lab) rarely exhibit a sufficient amount of confidence to talk (back) to me. I find it much easier to strike conversation with them through a medium in which they are comfortable, that is, through the computer. Also, I hardly ever post up my pictures, but had I left myself faceless, I would be subject to the stereotypes of being: (a) fat, (b) ugly, (c) a man, or (d) all of the above. Uh, not to say that none of those items apply?
Incidentally, within an hour of posting, my ad received approximately 50 responses from approximately 48 dipshits before getting flagged. (Yes, I’ll admit that 4% of them stole my e-breath away). In one unfortunate instance, however, I asked, “what’s your favorite [programming] language?” He responded, “you mean like english? [sic]” Time to take an alternate route, captain.
please be smart and funny, please be smart and funny, please be smart – 21 (berkeley)
I’m very picky.
But I’m not looking for some tall, handsome dipshit who likes walking along the beach and buying flowers. Or whatever.
The only men who seem to approach me tend to be either (a) ghetto black men who are interested in only one type of head or (b) well-dressed douchebags who overuse the word “awesome.”
And that is not what I’m looking for. Granted, I’m very picky.
Incidentally, don’t message me unless you fit the following criteria. Also, I promise that this is not a joke – this is your dream come true:
(1) You are fluent in C++, Python, Perl, Java, Ajax, MySQL, and PHP. Or a good majority of them.
(2) The following acronyms mean something to you: OOT, SC:BW, CS, D2, DOTA, SSBM, and, hell, YTMND.
(3) Your even ‘tan’ is accredited mostly to the light on your computer screen.
(4) Excessive facial hair. And thus, excessive body hair.
(5) You don’t give a shit about what other people think about you, especially when you’re wearing your hole-ridden gym shorts and your free t-shirt from an engineering internship you had last summer.
Based on your e-mail, I will know instantly whether or not you fit my criteria, so don’t try to bullshit me.
I’m an amazing cook and I will give you blowjobs. And this probably excites you because you’re most likely a virgin. I will play video games with you. I will make you sandwiches. And you can play with my boobs.
The only reason I’m posting this on Craigslist is because you motherfuckers are hard to find, and I’m not willing to create an account on WOW.
I’m honestly just looking for someone who can make me laugh. For someone who can understand me and my Internet-based sense of humor. For someone to care for. For someone to cuddle with. And for someone to bone, I guess.