While my male gaming counterparts had the benefit of Lara Croft’s booty shorts, Tifa Lockheart’s breasts, and the Night Elves’, um, sound effects, my hormones chased after more testosterone-filled characters who constantly made my heart skip a frame. And in spite of spending hours on end with complete views of his backside – no, I didn’t have a crush on Link.

Damon Baird, Gears of War series - ”Room for one more, it’s a fucking party down here.”

Hopefully he’s wearing the blue goggles because he’s aware that things will be squirting all over his face. I mean, like, my love. It’s not even about his bulging muscles or his handsomely rugged facial structure – it’s his deft mannerisms in everything mechanical. Any man who can hack into the Geobot can easily hack into my love zone. I kind of wish he would pull out his chainsaw and melee the shit out of me – he makes my hormones go Berserker.

Seifer Almasy, Final Fantasy VIII - “I hate it when you wish me luck. Save it for the slow students who need it.”

There’s something about the way the single strand of hair falls gracefully onto his forehead. And there’s something about the way he can wield his gunblade with only one hand. This arrogant son of a bitch was a monster on the battlefield, and I’ll bet that behavior can transpire into other environments. Seifer, let me be the reason why you fail your SeeD exams – we can go fishing and play Triple Triad all day, and you can summon me all night long.

Akuma, Street Fighter series - ”I am power made flesh.”

I’ve always wanted Akuma to show me the powerful flesh that he’s talking about – maybe I can find pixels of that fiery red hair elsewhere. And I’d like to personally experience his perfect balance of speed and strength, and then get a taste of his raging demon. There’s always something thrilling about the top-tiers, and it’s understandable; if I were a Street Fighter character, I’d have no problem with him being on top of me, either. And even though he’s not always at the top, he’ll always need someone to work the joystick and mash buttons for him.

Falco Lombardi, Star Fox series - ”Hold still and lemme shoot you.”

This might make me a furry, but I wouldn’t try to wobble out if he did a barrel roll all over my face. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed this, but Falco’s arwing is bigger, faster, and stronger than Fox’s, Slippy’s and Peppy’s arwings combined. Falco doesn’t take shit from anyone – he comes and leaves as he pleases. And that’s what I love in a man. Or, um, bird. Slippy constantly nagged Fox to “get this guy off me,” but I won’t be nagging you any time soon, Falco – especially if “that guy” is you.

Gary Oak (Rival), Pokemon series - ”You’re telling me you conquered all the gyms in Johto? Heh! Johto’s gyms must be pretty pathetic then.”

Gary MOTHERFUCKING Oak is easily the most bad-ass antagonist in the history of gaming. However, if bad-assness isn’t enticing enough, then take a mere glance at the incredible size of his Pokedex. I’d get a little excited every time Gary’s theme music came on and I know that he got excited, too. This was indicated by the exclamation point that hovered over his head. And by “the exclamation point” I mean “my nipples,” and by “hovered over his head” I mean “got hard.” Maybe he can show me a thing or two about his giant Pokeballs. Smell ya later? Gary, I want to smell you NOW.