Let me start off by saying that I get it.  I get that Jonathan Blow and David Hellman created what can only be described as “art” with no backing, and probably alone in a basement somewhere.  Uphill both ways.

For those of you who haven’t played the game yet, Braid is a beautiful side-scroller for Xbox 360 and PC which seamlessly blends an incredible musical track with direct puzzles, strategy, and some throwing your controller at the TV.  If I were to finish the review here, you could all go home happy and I wouldn’t get any hate mail.

Be that as it may, let the rage comments roll because unfortunately there’s a story associated with this “game.”  That’s what I’m told anyway.  See, I had to read a fucking webpage about the real plot because apparently the plot that I experienced while playing the game is not the actual plot.  I was apparently under the misconception that I was going from castle to castle looking for a princess.  According to the GameFAQ plot summary — yes, this game requires Cliff Notes to tell a story — I was dead.  fucking.  wrong.

There are actually two levels of story in this game. One is for
the casual observer, the kind of guy who simply needs an excuse
to go from one level to the next. For this person, Braid is about
a guy chasing a princess from castle to castle, her always being
in another one. The books vaguely reinforce this idea, and for the
casual observer this explanation will suffice.

I'm going to assume you do not fit this description because you are
reading this FAQ.

Well, it turns out you’re wrong too:  I was only at the website because I needed to figure out what someone with a Ph.D. in Douchebagery thought this game was about.  And let’s not pretend like my plot — what I’ll playfully refer to as “the plot that actually happened” — is what an idiot takes away from the game.

No, I am not an idiot.  I was probably more thorough than 80% of the people who played this art.  See, much like Castlevania had people that you could interact with in the sense that they may as well have been house plants, Blow must have figured this secret out and saved money on graphics by making the people into books.  So I spoke with read these books.  I READ ALL OF THESE FUCKING BOOKS.  And do you know what they were about, you pretentious dick?  They were all about saving a mother fucking princess.  Check and mate.  Game over.  I’m right, you’re wrong.

[T]he fact is that there is not a linear, logical story to be
found in Braid, at least not to the degree that most people
expect. The books found in the "clouds" serve primarily to
convey the specific theme of that specific world rather than
form any sort of coherent, chronological series of events
detailing someone's life.

The fuck?  If that’s true, Blow must think he’s the next Faulkner, who I’d like to kill for making me read all his time-disorientation works of shit in high school.  Let’s agree to disagree here.  You got something out of this game that very clearly came out of your own warped perception of reality, and I’m right.  I accept your apology.

I’m going to continue this “review” under the assumption that the game is about traveling from castle to castle to rescue a princess, because it is.

Playing this game actually made me remember how much I miss playing side-scrollers.  No, that’s wrong.  Playing this game made me remember how hard I used to wish for a good side-scroller when people were still developing side-scrollers.  The controls make sense, the gameplay isn’t repetitive, and solving the puzzles actually gives you some sense of accomplishment.

With respect to gameplay, the review isn’t all good, although coming from me, I suppose no one is shocked.  Remember when you were 10 and you told your kid sister that it was opposite day and you weren’t going to punch her in the face?  That’s what a large chunk of Braid feels like. There’s one series of levels in particular where going left causes the game to rewind.  If I back up and think about that mechanic theoretically, maybe I think: going left is going backwards in a side-scroller.  I have to step backwards to go forwards.  It’s so deep and earth-shattering until I have the realization that from a pragmatic perspective, if I have to kill that immitation goomba one more god damn time, I’m going to find Blow and put his nuts in a vice grip.

I have to give Blow credit though, because most of the puzzles are creative, original, rewarding if you can figure them out, and, dare I even say it — fun.  Like any puzzle or adventure game though, there is at least one puzzle that is damn near impossible to solve without cheating.  It’s the kind of puzzle where you check UHS and the hint starts off with something completely useless like, “Is your favorite color really yellow?” only to be followed by 5 other equally useless hints, and finally the solution that no one ever solved on purpose.  It was originally solved by the mother of a pre-pubescent boy who ripped the controls out of her son’s hand whilst accidentally solving said puzzle(s).  Aforementioned pre-pubescent boy goes and posts the results to the web, and that is the only reason you ever finish this fucking game.  Thanks, mom.

If you like side-scrollers, or even if you don’t (because there’s a demo available) you should at least check out Braid, which is a beautiful work of art about saving a princess from a castle.  For fucking serious.