Dear Jamie,

hi
read your post on the friend zone and i must say it is impressive..
i guess i was in between stage 3 and 4
however the girl i was hanging around with just told me that she is ‘kind of’ dating this guy ..
i really really like her..she said we are close frnds and she doesnt want to lose me and stuff.
is there nothing i can do? i cant stop thinking about her
i would be really glad if you could help a little

p.s.: hope you dont mind this rather blunt informal mail

Dear InTheZone,

This shit happens to a lot of males – even the best of them. Whether or not the outcome becomes postive, there is something I want you to strongly keep in mind throughout this entire situation: you shouldn’t let just one female’s opinion determine your self-worth. Many good men fall into that trap.

Have you been absolutely clear with exactly how you feel?

First of all, have you been absolutely clear with exactly how you feel? The first problem is usually miscommunication. If she isn’t aware that your feelings are there, then there is no way that she can act upon it.

Second of all, if you have already expressed your feelings to her, how did she react? I foresee three different scenarios:

Scenario 1: She tells you she likes you, too.

Scenario 2: She tells you that she likes you as a friend.

Scenario 3: She tells you that she doesn’t like you “like that.”

If you experience Scenario 1, then congratulations! There is no real reason to continue reading this post. If you experience Scenario 3, there is really not much you can do. Sometimes it seems as though you have to move mountains to make a woman interested in you. And unfortunately, Scenario 2 is just a more gentle way of going through Scenario 3.

There is something about yourself that this female doesn’t find attractive. This “unattractive quality” of yours should be obvious to you.

You have to remember this painfully blatant concept when you experience Scenario 2 and/or 3: there is something about yourself that this female doesn’t find attractive. This “unattractive quality” of yours should be obvious to you: perhaps you’re a bit overweight, maybe you’re not really a funny guy, you might live in a cardboard box under the freeway. If your downfall isn’t obvious (i.e. you’re cool and funny Mr. MachoMan who had straight A’s throughout school and you now have an extremely well-paying job), then the female is probably looking for something else. Take no offense to this, but some females simply just aren’t attracted to certain types, regardless of how ideal the type may seem.

And now evaluate this: is she REALLY, REALLY, REALLY worth the change? If a female doesn’t like you the way you are now, would you be happy if she were to like you after you’ve changed something about yourself? Sometimes this could encourage a change for the better; for example, a healthier lifestyle (weight loss, muscle gain, eating better, etc.) or a more successful path towards the future (getting a job, going back to school, etc.). On the other side of the coin, she might encourage you to change completely, perhaps for the worse; for example, embracing ideas and beliefs that you once disagreed with (switching/dropping religions, listening to the Jonas Brothers, etc.) or ditching something that you absolutely love (your friends, your video games, etc.). How will you handle the fact that she only liked you after the change? For example, examine this short list of variables that you may change to please her:

YOUR MONEY: This is usually the factor that instantly changes a girl’s mind. However, please remember that not all females will use you for your cash, even if she likes you more after you start earning it. Sometimes they genuinely just want a smart and goal-oriented man; this usually means he is well-employed or is going to school.

YOUR APPEARANCE: It takes a really long time to give yourself a make-over. Is she worth the investment or will you be doing it for yourself? Are you really willing and ready to buff up your chest for her? To get on acne medication for her? To forfeit your tanooki sweater for her?

YOUR PERSONALITY: It takes a lifetime to develop a personality and many awkward attempts to fake a new one. Maybe she thinks you’re too much of an asshole – are you willing to change that? On the other side, do you really want to date a girl who thinks you’re too nice? (On that note, just remember that sometimes when a girl says you’re “nice,” it might be a euphemism for “clingy.”)

Remember that anything you change about yourself will be a life’s decision.

Remember that anything you change about yourself will be a life’s decision. You can’t just put on a facade for her, snatch the chick, then change back to your ways. How will your family feel after you make the change? How will your friends feel? Most importantly, how will YOU feel? The real question here is: will you (1) use her for motivation to make a change that you’ve already been considering, (2) quickly make a change to quickly get some vagina, or (3) drop the bitch and find someone who likes you the way you are? If (1) or (3) seems applicable, you should know what to do.

Good luck, Geek.
Jamie

Agree with what I have to say? Do you think I’m full of shit? Tell me what you think in the comments.

2 Responses to “Geek Counseling: How to Escape the Friend Zone”

1. leinad razalas says:

   June 18, 2009 at 2:37 pm

   just because she said “we are close frnds and she doesnt want to lose me and stuff” and shes “kind of’ dating this guy” doesnt mean you dont have a chance. if you guys are close she must like being with you. i may be a hopeless romantic and all but, if you really like her then stick with it. it might just not be your time with her yet :D

   Reply
2. Drew Austin says:

   June 22, 2009 at 6:09 pm

   There is a fine platonic line that sometimes you just don’t want to cross. Here is some advice to keep things in the friend zone.

   http://www.precioustimeny.com/blog/?p=1434

   Reply