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Dear Jamie,

I was always the quiet, shy, geeky kid who was always picked on. I was overweight, had long hair, and bad acne. Girls were repulsed by me and classmates often used me as the butt of their jokes to make themselves look better. Now I’m in the best shape of my life. I can bench 300 pounds, deadlift 400, I can run 4 miles in a half hour.. the person I was, and I am now, are so far apart. The most ironic part, is I am in art school, majoring in game design. A school filled with people like the person I was.

I’ve had friends tell me at times that I can come off as a bit cocky. Maybe sometimes I try too hard to be a badass. I think it’s a combination of confidence, and not really knowing how to look, plus a billion other reasons.

Signed,
thejockifiedgeek

Dear thejockifiedgeek,

The most important thing I can tell you is to stay true to who you are. Many people will probably spew the “just be yourself!” bullshit at you – I know it gets a bit trite, but the advice is solid. The reason why it’s best to “just be yourself!” is because you’re most comfortable when you’re acting like yourself. And when you’re comfortable with yourself, you’re usually more confident with yourself.

I should remind you two important things: (1) We attract and gravitate twoards those who are most similar to us, and (2) The partner we choose is a reflection of who we are or who we would like to become. Feel free to read up more on this. The reason I bring up these two items is because it wraps around to how your confidence levels will react.

If acting like yourself means acting like a geek (as in, you are a geek), then it won’t be a problem being confident around geeky girls. If acting like yourself means acting like a nice guy (as in, you’re a nice guy), then it won’t be a problem being confident around nice girls. If acting like yourself means acting like a douchebag (as in, you are a douchebag), then it won’t be a problem being confident around douchebaggy girls.

If you don’t like being a geek and attracting geeky girls, being a nice guy and attracting nice girls, being a douchebag and attractive douchebag girls, etc., then it’s time to make some awkward adjustments to your personality. This will be painful. If a girl is rejecting you, then there is something about yourself that this female doesn’t find attractive. This “unattractive quality” of yours should be obvious to you. Here is an excerpt from an earlier Geek Counseling:

Perhaps you’re a bit overweight, maybe you’re not really a funny guy, you might live in a cardboard box under the freeway. If your downfall isn’t obvious (i.e. you’re cool and funny Mr. MachoMan who had straight A’s throughout school and you now have an extremely well-paying job), then the female is probably looking for something else. Take no offense to this, but some females simply just aren’t attracted to certain types, regardless of how ideal the type may seem.

And now evaluate this: is she REALLY, REALLY, REALLY worth the change? If a female doesn’t like you the way you are now, would you be happy if she were to like you after you’ve changed something about yourself? Sometimes this could encourage a change for the better; for example, a healthier lifestyle (weight loss, muscle gain, eating better, etc.) or a more successful path towards the future (getting a job, going back to school, etc.). On the other side of the coin, she might encourage you to change completely, perhaps for the worse; for example, embracing ideas and beliefs that you once disagreed with (switching/dropping religions, listening to the Jonas Brothers, etc.) or ditching something that you absolutely love (your friends, your video games, etc.). How will you handle the fact that she only liked you after the change?

You might assume that you’re in a special case, seeing as how you’ve sexified yourself and have still retained the awkward geekiness. However, this is clearly a challenge of finding your identity. How do you define yourself as a person? When you get a better grasp of who you are, you’ll get a better grasp of who you want to be with, and getting her to like you will feel natural.

If you are planning to make some adjustments to your personality, realize that it will be a lifestyle change not just a temporary fix for getting a girlfriend. Don’t lie to yourself about who you are, because you will in turn be lying to your potential partner about who you are. And that shit could get messy awfully quick. If you plan to make dramatic changes to the person you are, you might find yourself losing old friends and gaining new ones. Pay attention to these friends. The friends you are losing will carry qualities that you no longer want to have. The friends you are gaining will carry qualities that you strive for. Is this what you want to do? Birds of a feather flock together.

Whatever path you choose, allow your social circle to give you a good idea of who you are (i.e. establishing your identity), and to in turn, give you more confidence about who you are. While building this confidence, try talking to girls that you aren’t necessarily attracted to – just talk to them to talk to them. Don’t try out any stupid pick-up lines, don’t make some lame attempt at flirting – just say hi. You’ll find that many of them will actually feel flattered that you paid attention to them. Your confidence will grow and you’ll eventually be able to carry yourself well around women.

But please, in building your confidence, remember this: “Girls were repulsed by me and classmates often used me as the butt of their jokes to make themselves look better.” Be careful wih your newfound confidence – you might not want to turn into the type of person that made your earlier life miserable.

Good luck, Geek.
Jamie