REVIEW: Fifty Shades Freed

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REVIEW: Fifty Shades Freed

So, I went to see Fifty Shades Freed Wednesday night. I went with my girlfriends against my will. They even went so far as to tell me that last weekend my homework was to watch Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker. Yes, yes, I had never seen any of the movies. I didn’t die after the first two so I went along with my girlfriends to the new one.

(Warning: contains both spoilers and some language, it just couldn’t be helped!)

This movie picks up where the last left off. Beautiful wedding is had, then the jet setting honeymoon around the world. Christian is still a possessive little shit that aggravates me to death, but his silly grin is kind of endearing and he has a nice ass. So, trouble then goes down at the billion dollar headquarters of Grey Enterprises when the server room catches on fire. It is suspected arson. Hmmm, there is one bad guy in the last movie so I wonder who it could be that did that arson thing?

The gorgeous couple flies back to Seattle from their honeymoon to address the arson situation. Ana immediately identifies the culprit on the grainy surveillance video as Jack. Yes, the guy that groped her at her job in Fifty Shades Darker and was promptly fired because Christian owns that company too. I have a question. Why was that surveillance footage so damn grainy when Grey is a billionaire? Set some better equipment. I digress.

Christian continues on his possessive path and tells Ana she has to go to New York with him on business because he has to protect her. The new, very sassy, Ana tells him that she has to go to work and she has Sawyer and Prescott (her security detail) to protect her. On a side note- Sawyer is fucking hot. Somehow she manages to talk him into letting her stay in Seattle and not go to New York, but under the condition that she goes straight home right after work. In a great turn of events, Anastasia grows a backbone and does what she wants for once and goes to have drinks with her best friend. But of course because there is supposed to be a plot to this wretched movie, when she gets home Jack is there waiting for her with a big knife. That is not an euphemism. Sawyer and Prescott kick the shit out of him and the police come. We all know that can’t be the end because there is another whole hour left in the movie so we watch more awkward pauses in dialog between Christian and Ana. I seriously haven’t laughed that hard during a movie in a long time.

A lot of you are probably wondering about all the sex and the kinky shit that really isn’t that kinky. This third installment does have more sex in it than the previous two but it is still nothing to write home about. I suppose there are lots of folks there that are having some boring sex if they think any of these movies’ sex scenes are hot. That just makes me sad. Have more fun people! It takes a lot to shock me, but there was one scene when the duo are eating ice cream off of each other and the spoon goes back into the Ben and Jerry’s after it was on his nether bits. I am not even going to talk about how unsanitary that is. I digress again.

 I am running out of nice things to say about this movie so I will say this. If you want go see this movie take your friends so you can have a laugh. Ladies, don’t drag your boyfriends to see this movie. They might hate you for it.


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