I still struggle with my older self. My confidence comes and goes. Sometimes I feel like if I’m trying to be too confident, I look like those douchebag jocks in high school that made me feel like crap. I’ve never yet had a girlfriend, never even kissed a girl. I don’t know how to approach them. I honestly don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve had girls take interest in me, even take initiative to flirt with me, and I just get so nervous and awkward that either A) they think I’m a stuck up asshole jock, that’s too good to talk to them or B) I’m weird.

I’m frightened by this; three years of college, and I have no experience with the opposite sex whatsoever. I’m six months away from graduating and I’m terrified of being alone for the rest of my life. I feel like I’m missing out. I know I’m an attractive guy; I get told all the time, and I try to be a good person, but I just have this thing about opening up. I’m just way too shy.

I won’t pretend that I’m not attracted to a pretty girl at times like most guys, and that can sometimes cloud my judgement. But I do know that I’d really just like to have a steady relationship with someone. I’m still a bit shy, and the idea of just approaching someone I don’t know anything about scares me. I’m very awkward when I’m uncomfortable, and I tend to stumble with words when I’m talking to a new girl that I am attracted too.

I hate to sound shallow, but quite frankly being a game art and design student, most of the girls in my major aren’t really what I would call appealing. It’s like I go through bouts of confidence. There are time where I can be absolutely charming, but I can never seem to hold that charm. Sometimes I don’t really know how to act. Girls seem to throw the word confidence around alot, but how do you be confident without overextending and being a douchebag?

She said she lost respect for me the first time she cheated on me…. I AM SOOOOOOOOO PISSED!!!! Then she calls me an asshole. She said that stupid guy makes her happy and that they don’t fight. I told her of course they wouldn’t fight so early on. She makes me so mad. I told her that I didn’t want to be friends with someone that doesn’t have respect for me.

I go to the gym. But for what? I eat. For what? I go to school, I work, I play music, I game, I maintain friendships, etc. But none of it matters if I do not come home knowing that someone is waiting for me to share my days with. Sure, family is great but it is not the same love. It is eros I seek.

I’ve been caught between ideas, philosophy, beer bottles, and poetry that I’ve forgotten who I am.