But seriously, this is no joke. This is Real Talk.

As many of you may have heard, Xbox Live recently granted gamers the right to display a number of details about their personal details online, among them race, gender, and sexual orientation. And while in our culture we are moving in an ever-more accepting direction to different faiths and creeds, beliefs and ways of life, one of the most hostile environments for acceptance and change is in the quite faceless and odds-evening ether of the internet.

Gamers are, by and large, classified as nerds, geeks, dweebs, and generally socially unacceptable social outcasts. And while we’re growing to be more and more socially acceptable almost by the day, as evidenced by the popularity of titles like COD:MW2 and the Halo franchise, Madden and Tiger, we are still a subset of humanity that is commonly made fun of, mocked, and not allowed to sit at the cool table in the lunchroom.

Lisa’s ire at her competitor was eclipsed only by her rage towards the clerk that sold her a joystick for a racing game.

Even the nerds that rule the world (Steve Jobs, Bill Gates) most likely still have an element of social awkwardness, and insecurity, and frequently the less spectacularly successful social outcasts have very little in the way of productive outlets to dispell these sorts of feelings, and will frequently attempt to turn the tables on society from behind their most powerfully faceless seat of power, the computer keyboard.

There are very few things as mystically empowering as the magic curtain that is the internet. There, a six-year-old can absolutely destroy a forty-six year-old-man’s will to live with a single bullet, a hundred-pound girl can rush for 400-plus yards against a towering football-scholarship athelete to win the NCAA championship, and I can be whatever and whoever I want to be, for a little while. Behind the h00ge 53ri35 of t00bs, we are all powerful, we are all on the same playing field, we are all equal.

Except we’re not. We should be, but we’re not. I learned a long time ago that internet boards are not for sharing helpful information or opinions, but rather for fanboy flame wars. I learned that if you’re playing on Xbox Live, party chat is the right answer, followed closely in second place by: Mute All, and there isn’t a third place. I learned that if you’re good, bad, in first place, in last, not in voice-chat, talking too much, talking too little, totally silent, or in any way at all present in any multiplayer game EVER, you are gay. Gay. Gay gay gay. Or a fag. Or any of a HUNDRED absolutely disgusting and inexcusably offensive words that have NOTHING to do with anything that anyone really is or is not, because someone, somewhere has a small mind and very likely ANOTHER small body part, and needs to compensate for it by being verbally abusive to someone else who either is too polite, or too scared to respond. Or possibly, too smart (Dude, you’re muted. Seriously. You can shut up now. Sorry I shot you in the face. Only not really actually sorry at all. In fact, i’m pretty excited about it.)

But I digress: Xbox Live has given us the ability to add a number of details about ourselves to our gamer profile, and while that is a victory of sorts for the open-minded gamer, it also may (and probably will) spark more of the idiocy that the internet has become famous for. But, intrepid and brave adventurer that i am (behind the empowering mask of the internet) I have decided to set up a seperate gamertag and identify myself a number of ways over a two-week period, with varying degrees of in-game interaction, and see if Microsoft’s manaeuver is making a positive impact, a negative, or any at all. Feel free to drop a comment with your gamertag if you want to see this experiment in action.

PS, I’ll be funny again next week. I promise. Thanks for coming back to the lovely and festive tea party that is Real Talk.

That is all.

Mutedly Yours,

James.

2.  Back up your data.

3.

So to the PG staff and fans help me finish this list!

Our wizened leader noted that we should get together a wish list of geeky, yet personally desired gifts for the X-Mas season. While I thought this would be an easy task, I found myself hard pressed to find anything under $50 that I actually wanted. Fortunately, Google helped me narrow down my options based on a well thought out and fully planned search query: “I’m going to get drunk, hide and watch anime when the zombies finally come for me.”

In the $5 to $10 range I found a rather funny Stewie-Motivator themed drinking glass. Think what you want about the show, but damnit… this wisdom doesn’t get any worse with age. “Motivate: Nothing says ‘Obey me’ like a bloody head on a post.” Too true, too true…

See the rest of my list after the break…

In the $10 to $20 range comes a novel by Max Brooks, the author of the popular Zombie Survival Guide. World War Z is the “first hand” stories collected from a potential future during the human versus zombie war. As I mentioned in a previous Geeky Moment confession, this is very relevant to my interests. I thoroughly enjoyed the Zombie Survival Guide and really would like to read this one!

In the $20 to $30 range, and much closer to my normal faire, is the movie Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind from the mid ‘80s. This anime was from the pre-Ghibli Hayao Miyazaki and features a post-apocalyptic view of civilization approximately 1000 years after a nuclear holocaust.

The item I picked for the $30 to $40 range is probably the most normal, keeping within the norm of geeky items, of my choices. The single slot external SATA dock is just the thing to transform all my old random drives into the most awesome set of removable media around. How’s that for beating something like a zip-disk into a bloody pulp. They even make drive sleeves for protecting them.

Our $50+ range was meant as a “while we are dreaming” category. For me this meant being both geeky, while also preparing for the inevitable downfall of society. I present, the ULTIMATE secure home. How can you beat multiple feet of concrete, radiation proofing and not caring if your neighbors are partying it up at 3am? Prices range from around $300,000 to over $2 million easily… but that’s not even half the story. Once you secure the building, you still need to renovate, that’s going to up the bar another few hundred thousand, easily.

If anyone has a spare million hanging around, I’m always looking to start an apocalypse prep club!

As all gifts should be delivered: with pyrotechnics

Year after year, Christmas season seems to lengthen, like the steady advance of a conquering empire. Someday, I’ve no doubt, it’ll begin in September. And then August. When will the madness end? Will we one day face a year composed solely of anxiously awaiting that one single glorious day? Will all other Holidays fall beneath the ravenous hordes of Santa’s bloodthirsty, glory-seeking elves?

Well, until they do, the ravenous commercial machine knows no respite. To that end, here are some goods to tide any of your friends over who need a few shiny baubles this coming holidays.

$9.99: Laboratory Beaker Mug from ThinkGeek

Mad science is awesome. This is a clinically proven fact. (With Science!) Unfortunately, ours is a mundane, humdrum world, one criminally devoid of opportunities to build our very own time-traveling death ray that also makes toast, or engineer a race of immortal cybernetic minions to conquer the earth and usher in a new world order. This cute little mug allows each and every one of us to live the dream, and when we raise the black, bitter nectar contained within to our lips for just a moment, we too can close our eyes and think of what might have been.

Also, it’s a cheap and affordable mug and serves as a nifty conversation piece.

$12.95 Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Do I seriously need to explain this? It’s a classic of Victorian-era English literature by Jane Austen, augmented for the critical “action-lover” crowd with the addition of everyone’s favorite shambling hordes of animalistic undead. I mean, come on. How can you say no?

Well, I suppose you can. But it’s such a goofy premise it might be worth a read.

$20-30: And Another Thing

Another book, I know. But this could be promising. A revival/continuation of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Series after Douglas Adams’ unfortunate death, it’s written by Eoin Colfer and could be quite funny.

$29.99: The Orange Box, on Steam

With five games in one, the Orange Box still has tremendous value. Between the darkly humorous Portal and Team Fortress 2, we have two games that continue to be enormously popular. Team Fortress 2 in particular has a devoted dev team who continue to make upgrades and have a great sense of kooky humor.

$ 107.77 Arkham Horror, Arkham Horror: Dunwich Horror, Arkham Horror: The King in Yellow

This is a great board game to play among your geeky friends on a Friday night. With a collection of distinct characters, an elegant and simple set of rules and mechanics, a sometimes-goofy series of events, and a menagerie of Lovecraftian horrors to destroy, it’s a great way to spend a couple hours and its relatively simple mechanics mean it can easily be added to or expanded if you really want to. Play it seriously as a horrific experience, or snicker at the frequently bizarre events that lead your party of hapless adventurers to their inevitable doom.

And yes, with the right character, you can punch out Cthulu. Heck, he’s not even the worst among your possible opponents.

It always seems that once Halloween has passed, Christmas decorations immediately start going up. These days, Thanksgiving seems to only serve as a reminder that Christmas is right around the corner. Hell, the day right after good ol’ Turkey Day, people camp out in front of stores, looking to get the best deals for their Christmas purchases. So, with Thanksgiving and Black Friday just around the corner, what do you by for that geek in your life, hmmm?

$5-10: FTW! Mug (Thinkgeek.com) – $6.99

I don’t think you can get any geekier than a FTW Mug (For the Win for those of you who don’t speak geek). This mug is made of win, and any computer geek would probably be proud to own something like that. I know I will.

$10-20: Xbox LIVE/Playstation Network/Nintendo Points Cards – $19.99

With more DLC packs and online arcade games available than ever before, gamers need their e-wallets filled with enough currency to purchase the latest and greatest things out there. With games like ‘Splosion Man on Xbox LIVE, Trine on PSN, or several classic Nintendo games on the Wii Shop Channel, gamers need their point cards.

$20-30: Gaming Evolution T-Shirt (Cafepress.com) – $22.00

Forget about Darwin and his theories and forget about Creationism. The truth about evolution is spelled out in this awesome Cafe Press shirt. Who cares about human evolution when Gaming Evolution is just much more interesting?

$30-40: LittleBigPlanet PSP – $39.99

Little Big Planet is an awesome game. Just like the PS3 version, the PSP spin-off allows users to create their own custom levels and share them with others. And, well, Sackboy is just adorable, so what’s not to love about the game? The PSP owner in your life will probably get a big kick out of it.

$50-??: Activision/Blizzard – Several Million Dollars

Who wouldn’t want to own their own video game company? Many gamers are starting to grow tired of Bobby Kotick and his exploiting of franchises. So what better gift to give a gamer than Activision? That way, they can have the pleasure of firing Bobby Kotick all they want.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Stands 10 ft. tall and 20 ft. long, moves its head and arms, shrieks, and spits vapor.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Allow this to fill your heart with geeky love.  If this epic video doesn’t touch your heart shame on you!

Fake “German” rapper who raps Eminem songs in Klingon.  No I am not making this stuff up.  I always wanted to learn new skills but this one I would pass up on!