Since the first comic book appeared in the mid-eighties, and on to the much different iterations in animated forms and films, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have been a huge success, gaining love from millions of fans. Each has their favorite turtle or series they remember as their first. It’s fair to say that the Turtles aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. Which brings us to the newest version of their live action movie franchise. Directed by Jonathan Liebesman (Battle LA, Wrath of the Titians) produced by Michael Bay, they bring the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles into a new world full of CGI, and new plots/themes for a whole new generation to enjoy.
Well that was at least the hope the filmmakers went into production with. Unfortunately the movie they gave the fans is 100 minutes of plot-holed mess that barely remembers what made this franchise so special to begin with. This movie is a mess from start to finish. Now some will like it, can’t imagine why, but they will. Kids will for sure, but kids aren’t in need of things like, plot, story or cohesiveness. Kids are pretty much happy if Michelangelo says something funny and then eats a pizza slice. But the adult fans that grew up with these characters are going to be disappointed.
The movie decides to take some of the origin that we all know and then change it for…. honestly I have no idea why they would change it. The changes they made never made sense and were rarely brought back into light once they were presented in the movie. Some of the changes just seemed to fall flat and became changes being made just to be different. Example: April O’Neil, barley acted by Megan Fox, as a child saves the turtles and Splinter from the laboratory they were being held in, receiving “super serum” injections to create something powerful? It was never was said clearly though dialogue what was really happening. You figure it out because you’ve seen movies before, but learning it though the movie just doesn’t happen.
Many versions of the Turtle story deal with how Splinter was once a man in Japan, Hamato Yoshi, who was mutated into the form of a man-sized rat, or the rat was the pet of Yoshi, and then learned the way of the ninja. Both are 100% better than the new BS they peddle as to how and why Splinter becomes a Ninja master. In this new version, after being saved by April, Splinter and the mutants find themselves swear bound. Splinter begins caring for the turtles as his sons. He finds a book in the sewer on Ninjutsu, thus teaching himself, then his sons, the art of ninja though what is shown as the equivalent of an Ikea catalog of ninja training. No words, pictures only. Yup. Just learned. You know…like you do.
Years later The Foot Clan is on a crime wave though the streets of New York, which brings April into the fold as she is trying to break the story on who and what is The Foot. Though the art of being in the right place at the right time, she learns the truth about herself and the Turtles’ past, and soon learns of the Shredder’s Saturday morning cartoon diabolical plan of destroying New York with a plague, then using the Turtle’s blood to create mutagen to cure the plague, thus leaving him to take control of the city. She teams up with her sidekick, Will Arnett, and the Turtles to take on the Shredder and save the city.
But it’s really about the Turtles, which was forgotten about in the plot. The Turtles are the least of the issues with the movie. For the most part they were good. They were fun, not perfect, but overall fun. They stayed true to the Turtles that we all know and love. Unfortunately the filmmakers rely on you already knowing these characters and forgo any new character development at all. The filmmakers expect you to do all the work. The movie focus is on Raphael a lot. Not to say the plot hinges on him, but between him and Mickey, they’re really they only Turtles we spend the most time with. Leonardo gets a few things here and there but nothing special and Donatello is forgotten about completely.
The fact that the director didn’t have an understanding of how to film an ensemble movie is quite evident. Each Turtle does not get “their moment” like other action movies. The movie is titled after the Turtles, you’re there because you love them and the movie basically forgets about them and focuses so much on the minutiae of April that the Turtles become co-stars in their own movie. That’s just wrong. Their voices are passable, but not great. Johnny Knoxville as Leo was meh at best. Tony Shalhoub as Splinter was awful. The rest of the Turtles voices all seemed to sound like stand-in voices: no understanding of the character or who they are, but that’s more to do with the bad dialogue they’re saying rather than acting.
What are the stuff nightmares are made of? Splinter’s CGI. Nothing is scarier than a mutant rat with its cold dead black eyes staring at you in 3D. If the goal was to make a mutant human/rat, then give praise to the animators. But the look is so disturbingly real that once you see it, you can’t unsee it. It will keep you up at night. As will the Turtles too. There’s something off about the designs. They’re not terrible, but not right either. Also they wear way too much crap. No need for 85% of the items and “flare” they have themselves covered with: buttons and contraptions that do nothing or serve a purpose, sunglasses they never wear, belts with more things than Batman’s Utility Belt. Just so much stuff. They need a few things: their weapons, masks and some armor. That’s it. Anything else just makes the CGI cluttered and hard to tell what’s going on because of all the crap flying across the screen.
The CGI works well when the CGI characters are interacting with each other, but once a real actor enters the frame something falls flat. The 3D is just terrible. Most of the movie is like you’re looking though a viewfinder rather than a 3D environment. So many tacky “3D” gimmicks are used it just becomes jarring to the eye after a while. Especially when “Robo-Shredder” uses his super new magnetic blades that he can throw and have them come back over and over again, not unlike a boss fight in a poor video game.
Over all this is not a good Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie. The new animated series airing on Nickelodeon right now is pure genus compared to this rubbish. But as said, kids will mostly likely like it, because kids like turtle fart jokes. The adults may find something enjoyable about it, but what? Is a mystery, but it’s bound to happen somewhere. If you’re looking for something new to see this weekend, re-see Guardians of the Galaxy. Put that money towards a movie that deserves it, or just wait for Turtles movie to hit your local Redbox.