“Yes. Erm. Ms. Arkin.” He coughed. “I’m afraid you don’t have any magical infusion whatsoever. Your entire education here has been a huge mistake.”
This is how nineteen-year-old Alison Arkin finds out that – despite what the recruiters told her – she doesn’t have magical powers. All she has is an (admittedly impressive) eidetic memory and an overwhelming eagerness to please.
Not wanting to release her back to society after six months of top-secret training, the Ministry of Occultism promises to find Alison something she can do that doesn’t require any magical skills. Something simple, like fetching coffee and filing.
Unfortunately it’s right around this time that several dozen amorphous beings from another dimension show up in the Lake District to ask for asylum, the general public finds out about the Ministry of Occultism and all the “innocent” invading monsters they’ve been killing over the centuries, and Alison is thrown into the investigation of a magical serial killer. All of which would be bad enough even without the fact that her new partner seems to be completely insane.
So much for coffee.
Yahtzee Croshaw (of Zero Punctuation fame) has created an intriguing system of magic with his latest book. Most fantasy stories feature a type of magic that sort of just exists, something that can be used by anyone with the right skills or genetics. Here, it’s more complicated. And dangerous. In the simplest terms, there’s a dimension that consists entirely of the Ancients; unknowable beings who’s energy occasionally “leaks” into ours and then bonds with adolescent humans. Most of the time this causes some interesting but fairly useless magical talents, like hair that glows but only in the sunlight. Occasionally it’s something more powerful, like being able to control elements. In every case it’s a cause for concern, because the energy is technically a piece of the Ancients themselves, and the Ancients have been known to take over their human host and run amok.
So how do you keep young, magically infected humans from accidentally setting things on fire and possibly destroying the universe? One thing you can be sure of, no matter what you decide to do there’s going to be people ready and willing to start a protest over it.
If you’ve ever watched any of the Zero Punctuation video game reviews (which I do, every week, religiously) you’ll know that Yahtzee will take pot-shots at anything: games, gamers, corporations, countries, political movements, you name it. Nothing is off limits, so when the description of the book states that the Ministry has to fight “the forces of political correctness”, you need to know that this covers the most annoying elements of Politically Correct culture and the knee-jerk opposition to it, even if the specific thing they’re opposing ends up being garden-variety empathy. (Although yes, the left side of the spectrum does get a lot more attention.)
“Hashtag NotAllAncients.”
Croshaw skewers some low-hanging fruit: cringe-worthy buzz phrases about “cultural identity” and “internalizing hatred”, constant accusations of racism, the cries of “won’t someone think of the CHILDREN”, the idea that we can legislate, threaten, or shame people into being nice/knowing their place. But what really turns every situation into a carnival fun-house on fire isn’t the opposing viewpoints, it’s when everyone is trying to fix a real problem and no one is actually talking to each other.
Everyone has their mind made up before the argument starts, and they only listen to the other person enough to twist whatever they say into something that supports their side, or at least supports their preconceived notion that the other person is a dick. People assign motivations, quote bumper-sticker slogans, pounce on even the tiniest part of someone’s statement to prove that they’re entirely wrong – even if they’re supposedly on the same side – and you can just see the moment where people cross the line from speaking up for someone to speaking for them. In a way the people most effected by all this well-meaning advocacy are the least important part of the debate, because it’s not about what’s the best solution, it’s about which side is right.
Mix all of that with a lot of government bureaucracy shenanigans and you have a situation that’s entertainingly crazy.
Have been greeted by local populace with jubilation and cheer. Several individuals slightly too overcome with jubilation and had to be restrained. Twelve civilians killed by accidentally shooting themselves while attempting to hug and kiss Shield operatives.
Trying to navigate all this is Alison, who’s desperate to prove her worth (and not get sent back to her mother who sounds just delightful. /sarcasm). The fact that her photographic memory is practically a superpower is balanced out by how she seems to be totally unaware that not everyone has the same talent. She’s dealing with angry administrators, enraged government officials, a duo of socially-inept magic-using coworkers, a gigantic PR nightmare for the Ministry’s handling of magically-infected children, the aforementioned insane partner Doctor Diablerie, and – after a series increasingly terrible decisions – providing a hideout for the worst fugitive in the world. Yahtzee keeps you guessing about the identity of the serial killer, the story keeps breaking away to text-message conversations, and just like Yahtzee’s previous book I quickly lost track of all the absurd laugh-out-loud moments.
JuniorAgentArkin: SORRY, THIS IS REALLY STRESSING ME OUT.
JuniorAgentArkin: AND NOW I’VE PUT THIS THING ON ALL CAPS AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE IT BACK.
(Side note, good God, Doctor Diablerie, what a unique character. Utterly infuriating, knows more than he seems to be telling anyone, hamming it up, and stealing every single scene he’s in as he glides on and offstage with his cloak over his face like Bela Lugosi’s stunt double.)
I’m still not sure what I think of the dual metaphors going on here (asylum-seekers who literally all look alike and who everyone has to be convinced aren’t dangerous/minority children who the government forcefully imprisons so they can be trained to not be dangerous) and if you’re looking for a moral, message, or a neatly tied-up ending then look somewhere else because you won’t find it here. I’m hoping that this was deliberately left wide-open for a sequel, but I felt the exact same way about Yahtzee’s previous book Will Save The Galaxy For Food, so I may have to content myself with picking up the audible copy of this book (read by Yahtzee himself, so you know it will be entertaining.)