Okay, so. We don’t usually put warnings on these posts, but seriously, if you’re someone who loves The Christmas Shoes, you don’t want to read this. We think it’s poorly written, contrived, ridiculously bleak, and manipulative af, but we recognize that there’s a lot of people who find it sweet and comforting. If you’re one of those people, we don’t want to spoil your fun, so you should probably stop reading now.
For everyone else, please enjoy.
Hannah
Ok!
I am ready here
Kathryn
Playing!
Elizabeth
Playing!
Hannah
Cheese in my belly and cheese in my eyeballs
Elizabeth
hahaha
This was Post West Wing right?
Hannah
oh yes
First thing I knew he did after West Wing
Kathryn
I love the Twitter threads talking about how every Hallmark movie has the same plot.
Hannah
(possibly during Lyon’s Den)
Nathan
Decorating gravesites: that’s the way to start your feel-good Xmas movie!
Hannah
Also who chose these fucking fonts
Nathan
Least it’s not comic sans.
Elizabeth
Swoopy Nonsense font
Kathryn
This was based on a book? I thought it was based on a song?
Hannah
The book was based on the song 
I forgot the environmentalists are the baddies in this
Nathan
A movie, based on a book, based on a song. This just screams quality!
Kathryn
So, I’m going to take a wild ass guess and say he’ll miss his daughter’s concert.
Hannah
it’s like you’re fucking psychic
Elizabeth
Yeah, he’ll get too busy and everybody’ll passively aggressive about how “IT’S FINE. DAD.”
Hannah
Joe Montana wasn’t a lefty, ROB
Oh no, mom seems kind of tired…
Kathryn
Is this the Future Christmas corpse?
Nathan
That actress was in the Steve Martin remake of Father of the Bride.
Hannah
She’s done a lot and I’m so sad for her
WHY WOULDN’T YOU DUMP OUT THE GOLDFISH WATER WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING
Kathryn
Putting it on the floor is NOT HELPFUL
Elizabeth
Uh oh, tired mom crying wolf about with the cancer cough this will not end well
Hannah
Packed lunch for locally owned business that eschews “fancy” drinks like cappuccino DRINK
Nathan
Hey, it’s that guy!
Elizabeth
I was JUST going to say the teacher is a total Hey It’s That Guy
Hannah
They couldn’t find a SINGLE black child extra?
Nathan
Oh, dear God! His name is Nathan?!
Elizabeth
Hahahah
Kathryn
Heh hee hee
Hannah
“I used to have a pair of shoes just like that” GET IN THE BIN
Kathryn
Saccharine
Nathan
Way to embarrass your son there.
Hannah
yeah, nothing’s chaotic in Florida
We don’t even HAVE schools here!
Nathan
Especially not this year. 
Elizabeth
Pedaconferencing!
Hannah
why…why is the job calling him to confirm his wife’s interview…?
Elizabeth
All his idea I guess, she doesn’t even know there’s an interview?
Hannah
oooooh, sure
Kathryn
And a working mom would not be CHRISTIAN, am I right?
Elizabeth
“As soon as you open your mouth to sing the butterflies will disappear.” Speaking from personal experience, this is untrue.
Hannah
haha
ow…ow…ow…who put all this EXPOSITION EVERYWHERE
Kathryn
And he’s going to be so put out when his family gets upset for missing the concert.
Hannah
They literally cast ONE BLACK MAN in this whole movie, that’s somehow WORSE than NONE
Elizabeth
Ayup
Oh does she have a dramatic collapse in front of a whole audience?
Hannah
haha that “have you ever fainted?” thread on twitter and she realized that “chorus recital” was one of the main causes
Kathryn
Tender I love yous, because talking about how she’s a week from retirement and her life insurance lapsed would be too subtle.
Hannah
haha
Kathryn
Girl’s got pipes
Hannah
A Merry Ca-ristmas the Beautiful
Elizabeth
I would’ve loved it if they were dating.
Hannah
omg
I’m already drowning in bromides
Nathan
He’s not.
Kathryn
Get him, girl.
Hannah
Pretty sure, “Next time, I promise” is literally a line from Liar Liar
Kathryn
Nope, for some reason she’s not calling him on his shit.
Elizabeth
Ah rats.
Hannah
Too Good For This World
EVERYONE in Lily’s class hates her, guarantee it
Elizabeth
Oh dear the girl’s not on the death list too is she?
Hannah
oh no, just the fucking theme of everyone who isn’t Rob Lowe
Elizabeth
True dat
Hannah
They thought she had the flu and she was all up in kids’ business, HI 2020
Elizabeth
I’m surprised they actually gave her a real diagnosis, I thought it’d be some vague “You Only Have A Month To Live-itus.”
Kathryn
According to a google search that condition is super rare, like less than 200000 cases a year.
Smack him, girl!
Elizabeth
If there’s one time you can count on me…I will totally blow it again.
Wow he is a HUGE ASSHOLE
I mean I knew he was problematic but I didn’t realize he’s a JERK
Hannah
Don’t worry, they will give you 1,357 additional reasons to diagnose that
Kathryn
I have to say, relentlessly helping his wife get a high-power job is a new way of being a non-supportive spouse.
Hannah
The important thing here is that we drive home that there are only two kinds of people: Too Good for This World and Tremendous Asshole
Elizabeth
There’s no room for nuance in a Hallmark Movie.
Hannah
If we leave any room for nuance then PEopLe WOn’T unDerStANd tHE sTOry
If she died faster we wouldn’t have to go through all of this
Kathryn
Boy, teachers who think all they need is heart would get eaten alive in school.
Hannah
haha noooo kidding
Elizabeth
The angelic voices of the chilluns convinced her
Ooo Sam’s gonna lose his shit that she didn’t make the interview Because She Was Being A Good Person
Kathryn
Daddy’s pissed.
Hannah
I’ve said it before: Male recreational hockey players tend to be blue collar; women recreational hockey players are overwhelmingly teachers with a lot of steam to blow
I like a writer who creates characters by saying, “What would any actual human being do? Ok, so he does the opposite”
Elizabeth
“Give her an aspirin.” WOW, writers, jesus
Hannah
haha
OMG I just realized all those problematically self-involved Facebook martyrs absolutely see the world this way
Elizabeth
“WHy can’t someone else do it” or “Why NOT me, ROBERT.”
Hannah
haha
This Movie Sponsored By Boston
Kathryn
Meanwhile, the actual reality of a lot of Evangelicals who watch this would be a husband who’s okay with crushing his wife’s dreams of a high powered job because A Mother’s Place Is In The Home.
Elizabeth
I mean, that’s why he’s The Bad Guy in this movie.
Hannah
“Nathan what is it you’re crushing my ribcage darling”
Kathryn
Hee
Hannah
Oh god TOM FUCKING WILSON FUCK OFF
Kathryn
GOD WILL SMITE YOUR CAR, ROB.
Elizabeth
hahaha
Kathryn
The contrivances in this movie, my God…
Hannah
Cappuccino warfare
Kathryn
Now I know why I couldn’t follow the plot when I tried to read it on wikipedia
Hannah
heh
haaaaaaaate
Elizabeth
And of COURSE the car won’t get worked on or covered and Robert Will Be Unfairly Enraged.
Hannah
This 50yo man has never known anyone who’s died
Kathryn
Riiiiight
Elizabeth
It’s a Hallmark movie, people only die when it’s important to the story.
Kathryn
I tried leading Bible school one summer. Never. Again.
Elizabeth
Oh I can’t even imagine..
Overhead machine!
Haven’t seen one of those in decades
Hannah
haha I think MDWAP tried to say you had to write backwards on those for it to be legible and like…no
Elizabeth
hahaha
Hannah
But it .was. a helluva system of lights and mirrors
Elizabeth
Seriously, I always thought it was kinda magical
Kathryn
These kids realistically should be marching in and out of the room and getting into fistfights.
Nathan
Are there no minorities in this town aside from the teacher?
Kathryn
Apparently?
Hannah
“OH my god his poor mother” seriously Maggie get fucked
Elizabeth
TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD
Almost typed “too god for this world” and really, that too.
Hannah
haha
Elizabeth
She kept…her son’s room…as a shrine?
Hannah
You’re frigging right, this “plot” just eats its own tail
Just waiting for the right random child to show up at her house? TF?
Nathan
This syrupy music is killing me.
Kathryn
She’s sad and traumatized by not having any MALE grandchildren.
Elizabeth
Watch Robert get all butt hurt about it..
Hannah
I’m sorry. It’s Lupus.
Elizabeth
IT’S NEVER LUPUS
Hannah
Nathan
Hannah
They have a Grand Electronic Piano
Kathryn
Don’t they have to suppress the immune system to keep the body from rejecting the heart anyway?
Elizabeth
Don’t logic the plot Kathryn
Hannah
haha
Kathryn
Sorry sorry…
Hannah
The Only Good Man is a Little Boy is one of the most deceptively insidious parts of the patriarchy
Elizabeth
Yeeeeah
Kathryn
Funny how the blame is always on not loving a Christian life and not, you know, Capitalism.
Hannah
HAH indeed
Kathryn
Wouldn’t it be dangerous to have an oxygen tank that close to Maggie’s halo?
Elizabeth
hahaha
Gwen, update your resume and LEAVE
Kathryn
Gwen, there’s not enough money in the world to make this worth it.
Elizabeth
That present’s gonna go unopened for a while isn’t it
Oo, now we’re set for Rob to yell at the dying woman’s husband and gets punched in the mouth?
Nathan
I hope so!
Kathryn
Oh do NOT be envious of the dying mother.
Elizabeth
Maybe don’t unload your problems on the dying mother while you’re at it
Hannah
seriously
Kathryn
Jeeeesus this is manipulative as fuck.
Hannah
WHAT ABOUT NATHAN, NATHAN?
Nathan
Elizabeth
Hahaha
Hannah
Fellas, is it gay to dance with your wife?
Elizabeth
“dancing shoes…” did yall see the little lightbulb over the kid’s head?
Kathryn
Overload on the violins of inspiration!
Hannah
This kid wouldn’t know dancing shoes if they inexplicably fell out of the back of an ambulance on an icy road
Elizabeth
Hee
Kathryn
19.99, this WAS a long time ago.
Elizabeth
Christmas Cosplay idea: Show up to a party with angel wings, an oxygen tank, and those shoes.
Hannah
Dude, just get the Dollar Store dancing shoes, it’s not like she’s going to use them
God, being a smug dick to your customers, “charming,” eh?
Kathryn
WHY is he so dead set against a puppy?
Hannah
The puppy would take better care of his family?
Kathryn
Wow, and a nickel for a can, when was THAT ever a thing?
Hannah
I don’t think any of these writers has ever been to a small town, TBH
Elizabeth
Just did the math, whole lot more is 400 cans
Hannah
heh
Elizabeth
Maybe one of THESE guys will punch him in the mouth?
The syrupy music now includes panflute?
So the Environmental Company isn’t really an Environmental Company?
Kathryn
I’d love to find out how many farmers lose their farms to environmentalists versus losing their farms to big corporations.
Hannah
It is funny, that: Blaming the environmentalists AS developers
“It ain’t the fish that’s endangered, it’s us” OH FUCK OFFFFFF
Elizabeth
Damn ALL the Dads suck in this film.
Nathan
FUCK YOU, DAD!
Hannah
I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU
Kathryn
Hee
Hannah
“Men are dumb, that’s why we should let them ride roughshod over us”
Kathryn
Why hasn’t his daughter switched over to sullen teenager yet?
Elizabeth
I think he’s really playing that piano?
Hannah
It was in his stipulation as Lone Black Castmember that he be more talented than everyone else
Elizabeth
As it should be.
Mmm, I could go for some of Mom’s Pot Roast.
Kathryn
Oh boy, condescending to his mother too?
Elizabeth
He does it all.
Kathryn
Why does this guy even have ANY human contact?
Nathan
Elizabeth
hahaha
I need to bookmark that gif…
Kathryn
His father never shared any of those memories. AND THAT’S WHY HE’S DEAD NOW.
Elizabeth
“Gnite Dalton.” “Gnite.” OH JUST KISS ALREADY
Kathryn
You look tired. SHE’S ON THE CHOPPIN BLOCK NEXT.
Nathan
She’s gonna die.
Elizabeth
I WAS JUST TYPING THAT
Kathryn
Women in this reality exist to be saintly and or die at the right moment for an object lesson.
Hannah
Fellas, is it gay to be nice to people before a woman close to you has died?
Elizabeth
Hee
Kathryn
Wow, it just occurred to me that Maggie dying is classic Woman In Fridge Syndrome.
Elizabeth
Huh, you’re right.
Kathryn
With God as the killer, or is that crossing a line?
Elizabeth
Nah, Faceless Disease is the killer
Nathan
Hannah
I mean, it’s just women existing in a story so that men can be heroic
so yes
Kathryn
Or be Redeemed.
Elizabeth
Uh. Oh.
Nathan
And we called it!
Elizabeth
Craaaaap, there goes gramma.
Kathryn
This movie is BLEAK.
Elizabeth
MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS
Hannah
hahaha
Nathan
Merry Christmas! Everybody’s gonna die!
Elizabeth
Another woman for the fridge.
Kathryn
I swear I think I tried to read the plot of this movie TWICE and gave up both times because I kept losing track to the dearly dying loved ones.
Hannah
There haven’t been this many white women martyrs since Birth of a Nation
Elizabeth
Hee
Kathryn
Yiiieeee! Zing!
Hannah
Costumer designer: SWEATER/PLAID. ALL OF THE SWEATER/PLAID
Elizabeth
If Dad and Kid could just explicitly say what’s on their mind…we’d lose like 75% of the pathos sure.
Kathryn
One beer is not enough beer for this.
Elizabeth
God this is the longest 92 minutes EVER
Hannah
I will give it this: There’s virtually no plot ever in anything if people would just talk to each other
Elizabeth
True dat
Kathryn
OH JESUS ANOTHER DEAD WIFE?
Elizabeth
FOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
Hannah
Anyway, I’m over it now, ice cream?
Heh, he did all that work when he could’ve showed him to fraternity row
Kathryn
Kid should come to the street in front of the construction site by our house.
Elizabeth
AND WE HAVE MOVIE TITLE
Hannah
SECULAR Christmas songs??? NOT IN MY CHRISTMAS SHOES
Hannah
Haha bust out a couple pitchforks and this is Frankenstein
Elizabeth
hahaha
Gwen you are too nice for this joint GET OUT NOW
Kathryn
“You too” is this movie’s “Bah Humbug.”
Nathan
I guess Rob realized he needed to buy Xmas presents for that family he has to support?
Elizabeth
Little late there, ROB
Kathryn
Really impressed that she can still put on her makeup impeccably while dying.
Hannah
Your palliative care nurse REALLY shouldn’t have left at this point…
OMG STOP WITH THE PUPPY
Nathan
NATHAN NEED A PUPPY!!
Elizabeth
Lordy with the panpipes
Kathryn
Wait, why is the celtic Christmas flute of pathos making me teary eyed.
Elizabeth
hahaha
Hannah
I mean you could’ve left the morphine line in and let her believe she was dancing, but you do you
God this just makes me so happy I never have to watch Titanic ever again
Elizabeth
Wait, the store was actually open? That…seems dumb
Hannah
SASSY CLARINET ALERT
all the contrivances and I forgot these two don’t actually know each other
Elizabeth
Ooo, backup jerk alert
Kathryn
The store clerk being a jerk on a hectic Christmas Eve is the only realistic thing happening in this film.
Hannah
heh, there’s no way–that would be a 16-year-old kid like, “fuck it, take them”
he just had bad luck that the manager was at the register
Elizabeth
RIGHT??
Kathryn
Yep
Nathan
Hannah
hahaha
Elizabeth
hahaha
Hannah
OK, I’m-a call it: This is a Death Fetish
Elizabeth
YES
Nathan
Maybe you need a new car, Rob.
Kathryn
So he’s going back to his family empty handed on Christmas.
Nathan
Without a car, no less!
Elizabeth
“Ever think of buying American.” Oh Fuck OFF HALLMARK
Hannah
No one in this movie has ever been to New England
Kathryn
Oh lord, is that an angel?
ACK WAS THAT THE SONG?
Elizabeth
THAT WAS THE SONG
Hannah
“You ever think of buying American?” I know I’m behind but also fuuuuuuuuuck this movie so hard
song just kicked in
as did the bile
Kathryn
I wonder if the Cinema Sins guy has ever done this one? “Everything wrong with the Christmas Shoes in 15 minutes.”
Hannah
CUE THE CHORUS OF ORPHANS
Elizabeth
Counting mentions of her dead father, HOW many dead people in this film?
Kathryn
You can die and traumatize all those schoolkids now.”
Elizabeth
Showed your ass up to one concert and all is forgiven.
Kathryn
Of course, that’s how it works, right?
Hannah
Rob Lowe’s paycheck grew three sizes that day
Kathryn
I do hope he still gets residuals from this.
Hannah
and chokes on them
Elizabeth
Hee!
“Your husband neglected you to save us so now you have to forgive him.”
Hannah
they don’t know the words
Elizabeth
“I don’t care about the house that I wasn’t going to get anyway BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT.”
Kathryn
“And I’m still going to be neglecting you while I work but it’s to SAVE THE FARMERS.”
Hannah
Honey. Move to Florida with Dalton.
Elizabeth
THis film…all the death and romance….I have…I mean I’m speechless at this point.
I KNEW IT HE NEVER OPENED THE PRESENT FROM HIS NOW DEAD MOM
Kathryn
Wouldn’t that make you feel WORSE at that point? Knowing you could have thanked her for it if you’d OPENED THE THING?
Elizabeth
Nah, he’ll take it as a message from beyond the grave.
Hannah
oh the BASS CLARINET OF AFFECTION
Elizabeth
Oh No THAT’S THE KID?
Kathryn
And one more contrivance to kick us in the head on the way out.
Elizabeth
Hahahaha, her middle name is Elizabeth TOO MANY COINCIDENCES THANK YOU
Kathryn
Lord above.
Nathan
That was awful on many, many levels.
Elizabeth
Boy howdy
Hannah
I am not disappointed in this assessment: https://bananahammer.wordpress.com/2012/11/30/the-christmas-shoes/
Elizabeth
I’m really glad I finally watched because I’d always heard it was awful BUT I DIDN’T KNOW THE HALF OF IT
Kathryn
I knew it was gonna be bad, but I didn’t realize it was gonna be THAT contrived.
Hannah
Honestly I forgot the body count was that high
Elizabeth
“scrubbed and bleached and stripped of all nuance and launched off of a cliff of maudlin extremes”
Sums it up EXACTLY
Also, hee, I totally forgot the line “SING IT CANCER KIDS”
Hannah
Yeah, I uh, forgot to what extent I have a history with this movie…
Kathryn
I’d say we need to make this a tradition but I’m not sure I could sit through that again without a LOT more booze.
Elizabeth
Yeahno
Hannah
I mean, we’re gonna need to do work now to come up with a drinking game and call-and-response cues–that would make it worth it
Elizabeth
Oooooo
Every sighting of the shoes before he actually gives them to her gets a drink
Every time a character dies OR a dead person is mentioned.
Hannah
Honestly I feel like it’s the class-warrior environmentalism/cappuccino/”Buy American” shit that is SO FUCKING UNNECESSARY that makes me angry
Kathryn
WORD
Elizabeth
Ayup.
Hannah
…I could’ve been more sympathetic to the people who like the story toward the end there but I need more cheese
Elizabeth
hahaha
Kathryn
Oh, and we just had a delayed reaction to the end of the movie.
Me: Hang on, the kid went to all that trouble to get his mom some shoes she could wear when she went to heaven…
Nathan: And then he leaves them in the fucking snow next to her grave?
Elizabeth
HAHAHAHA
Kathryn
WHAT THE HELL, KID?
Nathan
And I’m gonna follow up that masterpiece by watching Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.
The Rifftrax version, of course, but I’d rather watch it unriffed than sit though Christmas Shoes again.
Elizabeth
I would watch many unriffed versions of RiffTrax movies than watch Christmas Shoes again (at least until we work out the drinking game.)
Looking for a present for that hard-to-shop-for person? Want to buy them (or yourself) a square foot of a castle in Scotland? Look no further! You can support the restoration of Dunan’s castle, legally call yourself Lady or Laird, AND if you use this link to get there, you can support this podcast too! ScottishLaird.co.uk.
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